Perfection

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD. Isaiah 55:8

All I can say is, thank God for that.  My ways are rotten.  My thoughts are flawed.  But God is perfect.

Perfect way.  Perfect purpose.  Perfect timing.

“As for God, his way is perfect: The LORD’s word is flawless; he shields all who take refuge in him.” Psalm 18:30 

A Single Step

A journey of a thousand miles

Earthbound Farms, Carmel Valley, CA

begins with a single step.

Earthbound Farms, Carmel Valley, CA

Jeff and I just need to take a single step, not complete the journey in one day or one thought or one action.  All God's asking for is a single step...

Since walking closer with Jesus, I've kept one ear closed.  Very scared I might hear Him calling my name.  Very  wary that He might like ask me to actually, like, you know, do something to further His kingdom.  

What exactly is He asking Jeff and me for?  When exactly is He asking it to be done?  If you know, please tell me.  But for now, I'm doing my best to be obedient.  To not be relaxed in my comfy American life.  And to be still.  To draw near, so that I'll be ready when that first step is made clear.

Innocence is Beautiful

So.... I don't let my daughter watch PG movies.  (And some G movies too!)  I don't like movies with sexy princesses and teenage romance as the central theme.  I don't like adult humor infused into children's movies.  I don't like the use of the word "fat", "stupid" or "idiot" in children's movies. I don't like movies where the characters are disrespectful to their parents and mean to their friends. Call me crazy.

Grace doesn't yet understand what a "boyfriend" is.   Call me overbearing.

She doesn't yet have an attitude.  She wouldn't even know the first thing about putting her hands on her hips and rolling her eyes.   

I take one look at her, see her thriving, see her so in love with God, and I think--am I missing something here?

For heaven's sake, let them be little!  I guess you can call me conservative if you must, but I'm really not.

There will be plenty of time for all the concerns of a young woman later.

But for now, she can just be whoever she wants.  She can be a precious little girl who found out on her own that she likes dresses and snails and climbing trees (while wearing dresses!) and her rock collection and fuzzy black spiders and flowers and tea party gloves, without a TV commercial telling her so!  Imagine that!  

Anyway, right now, she's too busy building a relationship with the first man in her life, Jesus.  The one who will never leave her, never change on her, never fail her and never stop loving her.  

Oh, and yeah, you can call me a Jesus-freak any time!  Thanks for the compliment!

A Friend

God's always sprinkling blessings in my path.

Some I see and others I do not.
This one I see!

I had been praying these unorganized, anxious prayers that only a mother can come up with.

A mother who has forgotten that her children were created for Him, not her.
A mother who needed to know that the burdens He puts on a her heart are not to be pushed aside, but heeded and embraced!

Then God sprinkled a friend across my path to ground me, to reassure me, to challenge me.
A beautiful friend.  Who prays with me, sings with me, listens to me, and laughs with me.  Who understands me...maybe not all the time, but loves me anyway!

   He always knows just what I need, and His timing is impeccable.

I guess that's not surprising, being the creator of the universe and all...!

Fixations

I'm still drawn to photographing our rain boots.  I don't know what it is about them!  

My amazing friend and photographer, Roxann gave me this idea to pop the boots.  I think I love it.

{Hi Roxy!! ♥}

Maybe I'm loving rain boots right now because they are supposed to get dirty.

We don't have to worry about them.

We slip 'em on, kick 'em off and never think a thing about them.

I'm also kinda obsessed with this:

She takes my breath away.  

Sometimes I look at her and I just know with certainty that God is going to do great things through her.  It makes my breath catch in my throat...this holy God of wonders we serve.

Recently I've also become preoccupied with the sky.  I love clouds.  

I think I know why.  My ultimate fixation, Jesus, is mentioned in connection with clouds in the bible a time or two...
I watch for Him...is that silly?  Maybe.  But that's okay.  Child-like faith is okay.  After all, as it is written in Matthew 24:42 Jesus himself said "Therefore keep watch, because you do not know on what day your Lord will come". 

At that time people will see the Son of Man coming in clouds with great power and glory.  Mark 13:26

After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. 1 Thessalonians 4:17

“Look, he is coming with the clouds,” and “every eye will see him, even those who pierced him”; and all peoples on earth “will mourn because of him.” So shall it be! Amen. Revelation 1:7

The Beginning

I'm starting small.

I'm thinking big.

A 5K today.

A 10K next.

And a half marathon to make a difference.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Philippians 4:13

God doesn't need me to accomplish His will.

But I sure hope He'll use me.

PS. Happy 18th Birthday my sweet Digina!

http://team.compassion.com/site/TR/Events/General?team_id=1050&pg=team&fr_id=1030

Sharp Arrows

Here are my sharp arrows.

Today I am renewed in strength and direction as I aim my sharp arrows towards being servants of the Lord.  Try as I might to prevent it, the world seeps in, all around the edges of our lives, where the seams aren't holding tight.  Little things, so commonplace in our world, but they are not pleasing to God.  I begin to doubt the choices God has placed on my heart, because I am bombarded with what the world would have me do, with how the world would have me raise my children.  Sometimes the burden of "not fitting in" weighs on me. 

But I was blessed this morning to be lead to read the book of James.

You adulterous people! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God. Or do you suppose it is to no purpose that the Scripture says, "He yearns jealously over the spirit that he has made to dwell in us"? But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, "God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble." Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Chp 4 vs 4-8 ESV

But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks intently at his natural face in a mirror. For he looks at himself and goes away and at once forgets what he was like. But the one who looks into the perfect law,the law of liberty, and perseveres, being no hearer who forgets but a doer who acts, he will be blessed in his doing. Chp 1 vs 22-25 ESV

My prayer today is that I remember I am not called to fit in to this world.  I am called to stand out and to reflect the light of Jesus.  I will raise my children the same way. My prayer is that I will not slip backwards into the ways of this world, that I will always be mindful of what is pleasing to God, that I will not be double-minded!  That I will not be only a hearer of the word, but a doer.   That in all things, in parenting, in relationships, in words, in actions I will draw nearer to God, seeking His will alone.  Not the will of friends, of family, of Hollywood, of cultural influence. 

Moments like this morning when I was reading my bible and having time with my heavenly Father, I am reminded how enormous He is.  His vastness, His power, His love for us, I can not comprehend.  When I make my anxiety larger than Him, I am stumbling in faith.  When I fail to seal up the seams of our family with the glue of scripture and prayer and reliance on Him, I am stumbling in faith.

May my faith soar forevermore. 

 

May my sharp arrows be filled with the goodness of our Lord.  May I be a facilitator of that, surrounding them with what is true, honorable, right, pure, lovely, admirable and worthy of praise. (taken from Philippians 4:8) When, as arrows, they are dispatched, they will discern what is not pleasing to God because their hearts have been filled goodness. 

Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth.

Psalm 127:4 ESV



Around here, there are some days when things just go completely off-track.  

Everything feels backwards.

But I thank God that His mercies are new every morning.

And that, in Christ, there is always sunshine after a storm.

I took the last photo  from my backyard as the sun was rising.  A rainstorm was passing through and the gold-lined clouds waiting behind it were so brilliant and beautiful. Only God could create this earth with such perfection.

Sky On Fire

How blessed we are to witness God's love all around us everyday.  

We get spectacular sunsets around here.  

 When I see the sky on fire like this, I think of when we will be "caught up together"... "in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air and so we will be with the Lord forever". (1 Thessalonians 4:17)

I hear the Savior say "Thy strength indeed is small.  Child of weakness watch and pray.  Find in me thine all in all" And when before the throne I stand in Him complete, Jesus died my soul to save, my lips shall still repeat...Jesus paid it all, all to Him I owe. Sin had left a crimson stain, He washed it white as snow.

More Compassion

Be careful what you wish for?  No, be careful what you pray for! 

God has turned my heart inside out for the needs of this world, locally and globally.  I asked Him to.  And He has, in a big way! 

My heart has just exploded for the children of Compassion, and after much prayer, Jeff and I decided to step out in faith and sponsor a second child.  (My husband is such an amazing man with a huge heart for God.  Sometimes I am overwhelmed at the depth of his faith.  We are so blessed to have a him as the spiritual leader of our family).

I talked to my cousin Amy and she currently sponsors two children and that inspired and encouraged me that it wasn't such a reckless idea.  We will need to make some changes in the way we live--mainly lifestyle changes.  Things like asking myself if I "need" this right now, or do I really just "want" it?  I'm excited to face that challenge head on and allow God to do some work in me. 

This is Miderline.

I'm sorry for the poor quality of the scanned image.  Believe me, she is absolutely gorgeous.  She has piercing eyes that drew both Jeff and I in.  She is four years old and lives in Haiti.  Just like my girls, she likes to play with dolls.  She is doing above average work in preschool.

Since sponsoring Miderline, I have had moments (or sometimes hours...) of fear.  But I just need to allow Jesus' words to wash over me.  1 John 3:17-18 says If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth.

I don't want to read the bible and shake my head in a meaningful way and then go about my business "in my own little world" of "population me".  I want to take God's commands as seriously as His promises.  I want to love with actions.  I pray that God continues to bless us with a steady income so that we can continue our sponsorships for as long as Digina and Miderline need us.  My own children are a bit young and my faith is yet a bit small to go on an actual mission trip, so for now, this can be our long-distance mission trip to Tanzania and Haiti.

It's amazing how Grace, and even Tristan and Sophie, have responded to Digina and Miderline.  Their photos and maps of their contries are up in our kitchen.  Daily they want to know what Digina or Miderline is doing at any given moment.  (Usually I have to tell them that Digina is sleeping as Tanzania is 11 hours ahead of us!  But in Haiti, Miderline is only 3 hours ahead of us and they get a kick out of hearing she is probably preparing to eat lunch as we are sitting down to breakfast). 

Whenever they draw pictures or play with play dough, they tell me they are making it for Digina or Miderline.  The twins call Digina "Gina" as they can't yet say her full name.  "Gina" doesn't know it but she has had at least 7 or 8 play dough burritos made for her. 

We talk about the conditions the girls live in and the huge differences in material possessions.  Sweet Grace wants to use her piggy bank money to buy them furniture and clean water, or some stickers.  Luckily, the customs in both countries allows Compassion shipments to include paper products measuring up to 1/4" thickness, so we will most certainly send them stickers.  (smile)  I love watching Grace think beyond her own needs and circumstances (hard for a 4 year old.  Well.  Hard for a 34 year old too.) 

Compassion

This is Digina Raphael:

Isn't she so beautiful? She's 17 and lives in Tanzania. She likes sewing and art. She lives in poverty.

I can't imagine the hardships she endures every day.

We are sponsoring her through Compassion International and my heart could not be lighter.

I am hoping our sponsorship lessens her hardships.

When I was searching for a child to sponsor, I had no idea what I was looking for. I was just hoping God would lead me. So many of the children's faces called out to me. So many of their circumstances or interests tugged at my heart. But Digina's face would not leave me. Every time I looked at her, I just knew I wanted to know her better. I knew I wanted to help her.

I left the computer for a bit. I needed to put the twins down for a nap. Then I exercised for 30 minutes. Then I went back and refreshed the Compassion International webpage. I was going to bring up Digina's profile and show Jeff. With so many children in need on my heart, I needed to make sure Jeff and I were on the same page, and make the final decision to sponsor her.

But the webpage reloaded and Digina was gone! It said she had been sponsored by someone else. (When a person views a child, that child is reserved to them for 50 minutes, after which time, the session times out and others are again allowed to view that particular profile. My session had timed out, Digina's profile had been available to other people searching, and she had been chosen). I actually cried out an audible, shocked "ah!" I had such an unexplainable, intense feeling of loss. How strange, I know, to feel that just from a picture of a stranger, but there it was. And then I started to cry. I knew it was good that she had been sponsored and all that mattered was that she would get the love and support she needed. But I realized in that moment how much I had already sponsored her in my heart. I realized I had already composed my first letter to her in my head.

All in all, I was "highly emotional" as Jeff put it. And boy was he was right. Looking at those children's faces for the last two days, and reading about their circumstances, while my own children ran around playing in this enormous house, so carefree, never once wondering when or where the next meal would come, never once questioning whether they are safe from disease or prostitution or drugs, had brought me to tears more than once.  I was pretty much crying all afternoon.

After a few moments, I was renewed in strength and sat down to look through the children again. Jeff and I saw the sweetest, most loveable children, all so valuable and good in the eyes of Christ. It's horrible to sift through them, trying to find a connection, a common birthdate, a look in their eyes, as if they weren't all 100% deserving of our help. But how does one choose? Horrible. But we had narrowed our search and were contemplating when I, on a whim, searched with Digina's age range criteria once more.

And up popped Digina's sweet, sweet smiling face! Someone must have either have started the sponsorship process with her and then backed out, or had been viewing her profile which had made it appear that she was no longer available for sponsorship. I, of course, began to cry immediately. Highly emotional, I tell you.

The twins are now potty trained, so what normally would have gone towards diapers will now go towards sponsoring Digina. That won't cover all of it, so I've decided to stop getting my hair professionally colored and that will fund the sponsorship completely. Oh, how utterly blessed (spoiled?) we are! To know that I'm trading hair color so a perfectly adorable girl like Digina can have breakfast, a bible, medical care... It almost makes me sick to my stomach. (Trying not to cry again). Mother Theresa said it best: "It's the greatest poverty to decide that a child must die so that you may live as you wish."

I am so blessed to be able to do this. If you are blessed too, pray about whether or not you should go to compassion.com and sponsor a child.

James 2:15-17 Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to him, "Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed," but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it? In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.

Proverbs 31:8-9 Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute. Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy.

Matthew 25:40 The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'

James 1:27 Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.

1 John 3:17-18 If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth.

A Merry Little Christmas Performance

Gracie had a solo in the Christmas musical at church on Sunday.  My little girl is so musical and loves singing.  She wanted to practice her songs multiple times a day. 

There were two performances, one in the morning and one at night.  All of the kids really hung in there and did a wonderful job.  I am so proud of Gracie.  She doesn't have an ounce of self-consciousness yet, and just loves to sing for Jesus. 

Here is a video of her solo song. 

The first two verses are her alone and the second two verses she does with one other boy as a duet. 

Reflections on my Family

October 2003, I started to doubt I'd ever be able to have children. 

I couldn't hear God's voice whispering "Just wait on me. I will bless you beyond what you are even hoping for.  Just wait and see, my beautifully flawed and doubting child.  Those socks you're wearing?  They're about to get blessed off of you". 

For years, I despaired.  I cried on my knees. 

And then one day, while driving home from work, I decided I'd rather not hold on so tight.  I decided I'd rather experience some peace for a change.  I prayed a prayer seeking God's will for my life, trying my always-falling-short-best to not fear relinquishing control to the One who loves me more than I could ever fathom (isn't that so devastatingly human to resist the One who has plans to prosper us?).  Just weeks later, I found out I was to be Bug's mom.  That was in the late summer of 2005.

Fast forward to February 2008, to an appointment with our reproductive endocrinologist.  An ultrasound to confirm a pregnancy with interestingly high hcg numbers.  On the grainy black and white screen I remember immediately seeing two. Two. Two!  Two.  Me giggling, Jay laughing.  Our doctor smiling and shaking her head, saying "oh boy...".   What happiness!  

There was fear too.  But that was just me, being devastatingly human again, and underestimating God's provision. 

I remember those things with the clarity of yesterday.  Which makes questions like these bewilder me today:

  How does this sweet baby...

...become this heartbreaking boy? 

How does this precious thing...

become this beautiful thing? 

It must be the same way empty arms and an empty heart get filled up:  by the blessings of a merciful God.

You see, my children's lives started in a laboratory.  

(They were so breathtaking even at 5 days old). 

But their existence was planned by God before He even hung the stars in the sky.

Two!

He knew it would unfold this way.  And while, in my finite wisdom, I don't understand it (or most things of this world), God, in his infinite wisdom, is smiling.  Because this is good.  It's all so very good!

So I'm reflecting on 2 years of my twins today and our family's journey.

I remember when people would find out I was carrying twins, sometimes they'd say things like "I'm glad it's you and not me!"

 And in my head I'd think "Me too".

 Now, that's not to say that life with twins has been easy.  I have processed a lot of negative feelings over the past two years.  Resentment (directed at who, I don't know) when I couldn't give one or more of the children the attention they deserved.  Guilt.  Exasperation.  The feeling of being constantly overwhlemed.  Disappointment in myself.  The feeling that things were not "fair".  For the kids.  For me. 

But God is in control of this, not me.  He's humbling me.  He's teaching me.  He's stretching me.  And I'm so grateful for it!  Where I, in my weakness, say "God, this is too much for me", He answers, "You can do all things through me, who gives you strength".

And then God gives me a glimpse of this and I wouldn't trade it for the world:

It's called Love. 

It's called None Of Those Negative Feelings Matter When You See God's Love Reflected In These Faces.

It's called Blessing.  It's called Joy. 

 It's called This Is What It's All About.

I'm celebrating my twins today.

 And I'm celebrating a full quiver.

It's unbelievable, the blessings that have rained down on us the last few years.

When I spoke impossibilities in my heart, God said, "Watch this".

I'm watching now, Lord.  I'm watching, I'm smiling and I'm praising you

for being bigger than I give you credit for.