Monday, October 11, 2010

Reflections on my Family

October 2003, I started to doubt I'd ever be able to have children. 

I couldn't hear God's voice whispering "Just wait on me. I will bless you beyond what you are even hoping for.  Just wait and see, my beautifully flawed and doubting child.  Those socks you're wearing?  They're about to get blessed off of you". 

For years, I despaired.  I cried on my knees. 

And then one day, while driving home from work, I decided I'd rather not hold on so tight.  I decided I'd rather experience some peace for a change.  I prayed a prayer seeking God's will for my life, trying my always-falling-short-best to not fear relinquishing control to the One who loves me more than I could ever fathom (isn't that so devastatingly human to resist the One who has plans to prosper us?).  Just weeks later, I found out I was to be Bug's mom.  That was in the late summer of 2005.

Fast forward to February 2008, to an appointment with our reproductive endocrinologist.  An ultrasound to confirm a pregnancy with interestingly high hcg numbers.  On the grainy black and white screen I remember immediately seeing two. Two. Two!  Two.  Me giggling, Jay laughing.  Our doctor smiling and shaking her head, saying "oh boy...".   What happiness!  

There was fear too.  But that was just me, being devastatingly human again, and underestimating God's provision. 

I remember those things with the clarity of yesterday.  Which makes questions like these bewilder me today:

  How does this sweet baby...

...become this heartbreaking boy? 

How does this precious thing...

become this beautiful thing? 

It must be the same way empty arms and an empty heart get filled up:  by the blessings of a merciful God.

You see, my children's lives started in a laboratory.  
(They were so breathtaking even at 5 days old). 

But their existence was planned by God before He even hung the stars in the sky.


He knew it would unfold this way.  And while, in my finite wisdom, I don't understand it (or most things of this world), God, in his infinite wisdom, is smiling.  Because this is good.  It's all so very good!

So I'm reflecting on 2 years of my twins today and our family's journey.

I remember when people would find out I was carrying twins, sometimes they'd say things like "I'm glad it's you and not me!"

 And in my head I'd think "Me too".

 Now, that's not to say that life with twins has been easy.  I have processed a lot of negative feelings over the past two years.  Resentment (directed at who, I don't know) when I couldn't give one or more of the children the attention they deserved.  Guilt.  Exasperation.  The feeling of being constantly overwhlemed.  Disappointment in myself.  The feeling that things were not "fair".  For the kids.  For me. 

But God is in control of this, not me.  He's humbling me.  He's teaching me.  He's stretching me.  And I'm so grateful for it!  Where I, in my weakness, say "God, this is too much for me", He answers, "You can do all things through me, who gives you strength".

And then God gives me a glimpse of this and I wouldn't trade it for the world:
It's called Love. 
It's called None Of Those Negative Feelings Matter When You See God's Love Reflected In These Faces.

It's called Blessing.  It's called Joy. 
 It's called This Is What It's All About.

I'm celebrating my twins today.

 And I'm celebrating a full quiver.

It's unbelievable, the blessings that have rained down on us the last few years.
When I spoke impossibilities in my heart, God said, "Watch this".

I'm watching now, Lord.  I'm watching, I'm smiling and I'm praising you
for being bigger than I give you credit for.