Monday, October 11, 2010

Reflections on my Family

October 2003, I started to doubt I'd ever be able to have children. 

I couldn't hear God's voice whispering "Just wait on me. I will bless you beyond what you are even hoping for.  Just wait and see, my beautifully flawed and doubting child.  Those socks you're wearing?  They're about to get blessed off of you". 

For years, I despaired.  I cried on my knees. 

And then one day, while driving home from work, I decided I'd rather not hold on so tight.  I decided I'd rather experience some peace for a change.  I prayed a prayer seeking God's will for my life, trying my always-falling-short-best to not fear relinquishing control to the One who loves me more than I could ever fathom (isn't that so devastatingly human to resist the One who has plans to prosper us?).  Just weeks later, I found out I was to be Bug's mom.  That was in the late summer of 2005.

Fast forward to February 2008, to an appointment with our reproductive endocrinologist.  An ultrasound to confirm a pregnancy with interestingly high hcg numbers.  On the grainy black and white screen I remember immediately seeing two. Two. Two!  Two.  Me giggling, Jay laughing.  Our doctor smiling and shaking her head, saying "oh boy...".   What happiness!  

There was fear too.  But that was just me, being devastatingly human again, and underestimating God's provision. 

I remember those things with the clarity of yesterday.  Which makes questions like these bewilder me today:

  How does this sweet baby...




...become this heartbreaking boy? 



How does this precious thing...



become this beautiful thing? 



It must be the same way empty arms and an empty heart get filled up:  by the blessings of a merciful God.

You see, my children's lives started in a laboratory.  
(They were so breathtaking even at 5 days old). 



But their existence was planned by God before He even hung the stars in the sky.


Two!

He knew it would unfold this way.  And while, in my finite wisdom, I don't understand it (or most things of this world), God, in his infinite wisdom, is smiling.  Because this is good.  It's all so very good!

So I'm reflecting on 2 years of my twins today and our family's journey.


I remember when people would find out I was carrying twins, sometimes they'd say things like "I'm glad it's you and not me!"

 And in my head I'd think "Me too".

 Now, that's not to say that life with twins has been easy.  I have processed a lot of negative feelings over the past two years.  Resentment (directed at who, I don't know) when I couldn't give one or more of the children the attention they deserved.  Guilt.  Exasperation.  The feeling of being constantly overwhlemed.  Disappointment in myself.  The feeling that things were not "fair".  For the kids.  For me. 

But God is in control of this, not me.  He's humbling me.  He's teaching me.  He's stretching me.  And I'm so grateful for it!  Where I, in my weakness, say "God, this is too much for me", He answers, "You can do all things through me, who gives you strength".

And then God gives me a glimpse of this and I wouldn't trade it for the world:
It's called Love. 
It's called None Of Those Negative Feelings Matter When You See God's Love Reflected In These Faces.

It's called Blessing.  It's called Joy. 
 It's called This Is What It's All About.

I'm celebrating my twins today.


 And I'm celebrating a full quiver.

It's unbelievable, the blessings that have rained down on us the last few years.
When I spoke impossibilities in my heart, God said, "Watch this".

I'm watching now, Lord.  I'm watching, I'm smiling and I'm praising you
for being bigger than I give you credit for.


20 comments:

Andrea said...

This is a beautiful post. I love reading all your insight. Thank you for sharing with us!

Dana said...

Amen and amen! Love your post, love the twins(and their big sister!), love you! We serve an awesome God!

Lisa said...

BEAUTIFUL!

Heart2Heart said...

Elle,

What a beautiful post dedicated to the miracle of simply being blessed with all your wonderful children. God truly did bless your socks right off.

Many happy wishes, and beautiful prayers for you and your family today.

Love and Hugs ~ Kat

Alice said...

Blessing blessing BLESSING!!!!

I love this post. I relate so much to the frustration and sadness when you feel you can't meet all you children's needs.

There are times when I've asked God, "what do you mean, 'children are a blessing'?- it doesn't feel like it". Then I realise that sometimes the blessing is to do with the patience he is growing in me, the way my children force me to come back to him with my needs and failures, the blessing is the whole messy lot of it - not just the smiles, the lovely moments, the days I feel like a good mum!

I loved reading this. What an awesome family full of blessing you have! Xxx

Buckeroomama said...

"It's called Blessing. It's called Joy. ... It's called This Is What It's All About."

INDEED!

Beautiful, just beautiful. :)

Happy birthday to your adorable twins!

Rural Revival said...

And I don't doubt for one second either, that He he didn't know what He was doing when he chose you, no one else but you, to be their mother, to nurture them, to guide them, to love them and to lead them back to Him. He chose and he chose well my dear. He always does.

Your love for them and Him inspires me every day. This, my friend, is a beautiful post and has made my Thanksgiving complete.

Hugs ~Andrea~

Christina said...

So wonderful! Isn't it so true...we can have all of those feelings, of despair, of exasperation, of overwhelmedness, and tiredness, and I'm-sick-of-cooking-dinnerness (oh, is that just me?)...and one look from those sweet faces can help ease all of that. God's design is miraculous. Even on my very hardest days I can (usually!) look at them while they're sleeping and think,"Tomorrow we get a fresh start, and aren't they lovely right now!" :)
Beautiful thoughts from a beautiful mama. Someone tells me (a good friend at church) that God made me the mama of my kids for a reason. I thought the same thing as I read this - you were just the right mom for these three special kiddos. :)

Muthering Heights said...

This is such a beautiful reflection...happy birthday to them!!

southerninspiration said...

And well worth celebrating!! Hey, my grandbaby will hopefully be born today on the 12th! I'll make an announcement, of course, when she's here!! Or you'll HEAR me!! :D

Suzanne

McVal said...

Amen! You are so blessed!

from my front porch... said...

I breathless....
xo, misha

Ingrid said...

What a lovely post! I think God has a quirky sense of humor. I was pretty shocked to find myself blessed with twins at 13 wks. At no point has it been dull.

Happy Birthday to Dee & Bex!
~ingrid

golonghorns said...

What a beautiful post and heartfelt sentiment for your precious family. I love your authenticity ;)
And Happy Birthday "2" your babies!

Blooming Mama said...

perfect.

Dandy said...

~sniffle~ I'm so happy for you and you're little blessings and miracles.

Relyn said...

This is such a beautiful post. Yes. Oh yes! He planned them, knew them, gave them to you. He is good. SO very, very good.

Walking on Sunshine... said...

That was beautiful. And the pictures are priceless! Thanks for sharing!

bluecottonmemory said...

Beautiful Post! We couldn't have children after the first one - and it took 6 years later and a specialist to answer our prayers. Amazing how God pulls our hearts closer to him through the process of mothering! Your story is such a beautiful witness to God's mightiness!

bluecottonmemory said...

Beautiful Post! We couldn't have children after the first one - and it took 6 years later and a specialist to answer our prayers. Amazing how God pulls our hearts closer to him through the process of mothering! Your story is such a beautiful witness to God's mightiness!